APRIL ANGST Pt. 1 - 1981

"I Ain't Down YET!"

April 6, 1981 Monday

Well, a lot has happened since last Tuesday. First of all, let me introduce Denny Lemmons. He’s a close friend of Kevin Q’s (cute). I met him Friday nite. Denny, Bradley, Kevin & I went to Bradley’s home to watch video tapes. (?) We were all in crazy moods. Denny is a lot of fun. We played Charades & then drove around, Sat.,, Denny, Bradley, Donna (Belmarres) & I went to see Raging Bull (Robert DeNiro was good, but the plot was boring) then we went to Tiora’s restaurant & I drove all around White Rock in Denny’s lap. We had a blast. Sunday, same people & Kim Hideloff went to the park & tried to fly a kite then decided to go to Malibu Grand Prix where there are bumper boats. On the way home Kim wanted to drive so Denny & I ended up in the back seat. He held my hand, but that’s all.

Then came today, our 4th time to go out (He paid my way everywhere before). He came over after school, & we went to Lake Lavon. We walked all over the place. We finally sat down. (He hadn’t even touched me). We talked a lot about our jobs. He’s training to be a respiratory therapist. We laughed & had a good time. After about 2 hours, he kissed me. (He’s a nice kisser). I was home in 30 minutes.

There’s a big problem. Actually two. Numero Uno - 1) Denny is only 18. He won’t be 19 until July. He seems much older, yet 18 is 18. (2021 comment - Keith is about this much younger than me - ha)

2) CARL. I want him still so much I can’t stand it. Even though I’ve enjoyed Denny’s company, I think about Carl. But he seems to be avoiding me. I’m just gonna date other & wait and see. (I wish I Didn't have to). But as always with me, 3 months of a relationship & BANG! It’s over. (It’s been exactly 1 month since Carl has kissed me.)

OH WELL! This isn’t anything new, & Janie Boren doesn’t get down over a guy when others are waiting in line. Does she? NO!!! I Should say not. So there, Carl. The joke is on you. If only I could say that I wasn’t falling in love with him. I think that nite in San Marcos at Bigger ‘N Dallas I was just as (maybe more) flipped over him than anybody ever. Definitely tied with Tracy - after Old Settler’s Reunion & Russell at my recital. Dee Ann is so crazy over him too. Oh, I’ll make myself sick.

I’m in a good mood. Denny has helped. He works nights/which is good) & I won’t see him all the time. Every once in a while is okay. This time for sure, I’m gonna date a bunch of guys instead of just one.

Gotta go!!

1) Carl (I want him desperately)

2) Denny (I guess) - if he was just older.

JUST A THOUGHT

Maturity

That’s what I want.

A man with ambition

Authority

Aggressiveness

Maturity

That’s what I need.

A man with Compassion

Gentleness

Sensitivity

Maturity

That’s what I respect.

A man with Integrity

Independence

Individualism

Maturity

What does it really mean?

A nine year old child can be

Just as much or more mature

Than a forty year old man.

Maturity

I guess it means the ability to love

Someone deeply enough

Where nothing can stand in

Your way.

It makes you wonder if anyone can be called

Mature.

Janie Boren

April 12, 1981 Sunday

I just watched “Splendor in the Grass” with Natalie Wood & Warren Beatty. The plot hit home. It’s about a guy & girl who really care for each other. The problem is, the guy, Bud, needs more from the girl, Deanie, then she will give. Bud becomes quite frustrated & calls their whole relationship off.

Why does this hit home? Because the exact same thing has happened to me & Carl. Boy, do I have a lot to write.

Okay, it started Friday nite. I had come in (Actually Saturday morning) about 2:40 a.m. from clubbing with Denny, Kevin Q, Kathleen, Kim, Donna. I had just changed into my nightshirt when something hit my window. I opened it up, & I heard Carl. (By this time it was near 3:00 a.m.) I went outside to meet him. (Mom and Dad were here). For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what he was doing here. But I was glad.

He told me that he was sorry if he had neglected me, but he had been working his tail off as usual. We talked about general things until I couldn’t stand it. After a hour or so of talking, I leaned over & kissed his ear. From there, I received my kiss I’ve so longed for.

Everything seemed wonderful & back to normal finally. At one point, Carl just grabbed & hugged me as if he’d never let go. I was thrilled.

We were silent for a few moments. I looked at him & said “You really do care, don’t you?” And I kissed him. Silence fell once again. I wa smiling to myself. I leaned over towards him again & he said abruptly “NO! I’m sorry, but I can’t go on like this. I tried, I swear I tried, but I need more. We can’t make it this way.”

We talked for a while & I came right out & asked “Why the hell did you even bother to come over?” He apologized. Carl said he wanted to test himself to see if he could possibly make a go of the relationship without more physical contact. He knew I felt strongly against it, & he thought he’d try it. But he can’t change. I wouldn’t want him to.

Laughing, I bluntly told him “I hope you’ll find someone as interesting & fun as me.” We both had a good laugh at that. (But I was rather serious).

We’re both two strong-willed people who know what we want. So strong that we have tough time bending for each other’s needs.

I’m sure it’s best for the break-up. Because even if I had some of the best times with him, he hurt me deliberately more than anybody I’ve dated. I’m not that type. I am very conscientious & tactful, & he’s downright too honest & frankly tactless. No modesty whatsoever.

Oh well, a part of me will always love him. Even though I know now I wasn’t nearly “in love” with him.

April 12, 1981 Sunday

Though nothing can bring back

The hour

Of splendor in the grass,

Of glory in the flower;

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind…

William Wordsworth

Excerpt from

Ode:

Intimations of Immortality

April 14, 1981 Tuesday

Tonite the Choir had our concert. This is the same as we’ll be doing on the cruise. I enjoyed it.

Work is worse than ever. I hardly can stand going. The employees are all immature brats. I can’t wait until Dee Ann will be working there & Margaret again. Between the two of them, Greg & me we’ll give the others Hell. (2021 comment - have no idea what was really wrong - there might be more of a story here dear reader, but I also need to be patient and see if it comes up on its own…)

Sharon Dalton was at the concert tonite with Cam. I really can’t pinpoint it, but I don’t like her. She’s rather cheap. Cam deserves better.

Sherri & I (after the concert) seriously discussed getting an apartment. I hope we work everything out.

The next topic requires thought & a lengthy page. It’s about (take a wild guess) guys. Old boyfriends. I’ve been thinking a lot about things since Friday with Carl. The more I think about it, the more I realize Carl wasn’t too hot for me. At first, he was wonderful (as always) but he began to take me for granted. I Can't take that. Also, I’ve thought a lot about Kevin. He wasn’t all that bad. In fact, he was rather sweet. We just got too serious too quick. But neither would give up entirely.

I saw Russell at the convert and became nervous. He still does that to me. How strange.

OH I’M Tired!

Long day tomorrow!!!

April 14, 1981 Tuesday

I always wonder

About past romances.

Are they ever really gone?

Or do they linger on throughout

The rest of your life?

It’s hard to say.

I imagine it’s like anything

Else you treasure.

They’re kept in a secret place

Where nobody can find them

Except you.

You try to keep these jewels

Safe and protected;

Yet it’s impossible.

Occasionally it’s too tempting to let your prize possessions

Free & let them shine

Like New.

Your past will always be

Part of the present and future.

So enjoy it. Accept it.

The past is your best teacher.

Learn from it.

Treasure it.

Janie Boren

April 16, 1981 Thursday

4:37 a.m. Friday (actually)

Today (tonite rather) has been strange yet fun. Earlier, Madrigals had a concert at Dallas City Hall & guess who I saw there? Kevin Anderson. Big shockaroo! He looked good & was real friendly.

Later, I went to the Choir party. It was a blast. Mark Hall was extra cute tonite. So was Barry (older guy). He’s a blast. We danced a lot.

Afterwards, Cam came over & we talked about 3 hours. Mainly talked about how he feels about me. He bluntly admitted that he’s still in love with me & always will be. Oh, I needed to hear that right now. He’s so sweet!