BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH Pt. 3

March 21, 1981 Saturday

Today hasn’t been so hot. It started bad when Dad refused to help me go get my car. He said that he had told me to get it fixed, so it was my fault. Dee Ann & I tried to start it on our own, but it didn’t work. I came home crying. So,, I decided to get someone else to help me. I called Carl. I started out okay, but as I told him about Dad, I started balling like crazy. Carl kept calling me darling & said he’d help if he could, but his car couldn’t handle mine. (His battery was a little weak). He tried to cheer me up, but I kept crying. But, I’m so glad I called him. I know he cares, & I feel so much love for him.

Anyway, I cried for about an hour & ½, when I decided to call Dee Ann. I told her how I felt Dad was doing this because he didn’t want to go through the same thing he did with Alex. That hurt because I’m NOT Alex, or anything like him. (Well, in responsibility sense). Also, earlier when Dee Ann and I were talking about Alex, we got on the conversation of his death. That got me even more misty (or should I say stormy).

I went out to tell Dad & he grabbed a hold of me & hugged me. I started balling again. I told him how I felt about this being the first time anything like this has happened. Dad told me to call Mike & tell him that he would take me. So I did. (2021 - MIKE???)

Finally, about 5:30 p.m., I got a hold of Mike and he said he’d help.

After B.C., Dad & I put the jumper cables on, it started right up. I let B.C. drive it home. I was already feeling better. Mom had supper ready when we came in, & that helped too.

Later, I went over to Dee Ann’s to say Goodbye. I won’t see her again until May.

Gotta go to sleep! It’s 11:15 a.m.

March 24, 1981 Tuesday

Everything is kind of in turmoil for me right now. Nothing too earth shattering, yet just bad enough to be uncomfortable.

First of all, tomorrow is my voice & piano lessons & I am in no way prepared. I can always fake it through voice but not piano.

Today I took a History test & I think I failed it.

Also, today at work, a little blind boy, Shandy Gutormsen, was badly bitten by another boy, Eric. It seems to be Beverly’s fault, & I think she’ll be fired. (I kinda hope so). I don’t like her much. I still say Greg is my boss.

The worst news of all is I still haven’t seen Carl except at Chili’s the other nite. I’ve called him three times since then, but I haven’t gotten a hold of him yet. And he hasn’t even attempted to call me. I’m gonna just keep his coat here, so that’ll make him call or come over. If he wants to call it quits, I want to know now.

There’s a lot of guys who want to take me out. I don’t need Carl, Lord knows. If he doesn’t call by the end of the weekend, he can forget about me coz I’ll have had my shield replaced in its old spot to protect myself from future romances. I hate sounding harsh, but it’s true.

The Shield

I have a protective shield

That hovers over my mind and heart

It’s made up of a hard substance,

So thick that I remain

TOUGH

STRONG and

INDEPENDENT

Yet it’s transparent enough for

Occasional glimpses of the

SOFT

ROMANTIC

SENSITIVE

Me I once knew so well.

The only thing powerful enough

To break this block is

A MAN

A man strong enough to handle me.

A man mature enough to receive my love,

The love

Which is stronger than any shield

Could ever be.

Is there such a man?

Tell me Lord!

I’m tired of hiding. Janie Boren

March 26, 1981 Thursday

I still haven’t heard from Carl. I’ve decided to call him tomorrow, & if he says he has to work Friday, Saturday & Sunday then I’m calling it quits. (I still have his coat, & I’m gonna make him ask for it).

Guess who I talked to for a while today? RUSSELL! He wants to see me. He said he’ll give me a ring this weekend. I feel kind of funny about that. For some reason, I feel like I’d be cheating on Carl. But you know, even if he has been working all this time, I can’t waste my time waiting for him to be off of work. This whole thing is just killing me. I wish Icould at least just have a talk with him. I’d feel better if he knew for sure that I was dating other people.

I really don't want to date anyone else, especially Russell. He’s caused too much pain already.

I want Carl!

Gotta go!! I feel like crying!

March 27, 1981 Friday

Tonite Kevin Q & I went & saw Ordinary People. It was excellent. I cried thru the whole thing. The young guy, Timothy Hutton, was just wonderful. I hope he gets an academy award for his performance. (2021 comment - He did win… this was also a breakthrough performance by Mary Tyler Moore, tho I don’t think she won)... (It also had hard reminisces about Alex & suicide.. It got Best Picture, Best Sup. Actor, Best Screenplay, and Best Direction by Robert Redford.)

Mom & Dad are going out of town tomorrow. I’m having a party tomorrow nite. Anybody who want to come - can.

I’m inviting Carl AND Russell. That ought to be interesting!!

Gotta go!

March 29, 1981 Sunday

This has been a strange, interesting, blast of a weekend. It started bad yesterday when Carl called (woke me up) & said he’d be by about 5:00 p.m. to pick up his coat. I asked him to the party, but he said he couldn’t go. He didn’t tell me why, & I knew he’d be off work. I never said anything. (2021 comment.. So many times thru my life, I wish I would have communicated better… sigh - I’ve learned thru counseling and just getting older)

Later, he came over. Carl had just gotten off work & was exhausted. When I asked him again if he’d come to my party, he said he was gonna stay home and sleep. I was relieved to hear him say that coz I thought he had a date or something. He was sweet, yet he left again without kissing me. Do you realize April 6th will have been 1 month since our last kiss? I became upset & was ready to blow the whole thing off.

I knew Russell & Randy were coming, so I prepared myself to have a good time without Carl.

Randy didn’t come until 11:00 or so, & Russell came even later. But before then, Jim B was here & Mark Summers. (tag Mark). I told Jim plainly that I was not interested in him. He left without saying goodbye. So Mark & I were singing & dancing until about 11:30. In fact, (it was quick) Mark kissed me.

(pics of this party?? 80% sure - go look & attach)

After Russell came (I had to talk him into it coz the weather was so bad), I devoted all my attention to him. All the time though, I wanted Carl.

Russell wasn’t there anytime when a big surprise came to the door. CARL. It liked to had shocked me to death. Carl went to make a phone call, & I went back into the den (quickly sobering up). Russell patted his lap & told me to come over, I just sat on the other side of him & quickly quieted down. I mean I knew I’d never go out with him again. Yet there he was. (2021 comment - remember, Russell was my first and remains.. My first true love - he got me thru Alex’s death -- and who am I talking about? Russell or Carl?-2021)

Carl stayed with us (halfway anyway) until his eyes closed for good. He was still so tired. Finally, (after about 20 minutes) he retired to my bedroom. I went & set the alarm for 7:30.

Most people left about 1:30 a.m. Mark S. stayed until 3:45 a.m. We had a good talk. (Summers?)

After he left, I was very tired. Trying not to wake Carl, I crawled in next to him. We didn’t say anything, nor did we kiss, yet I know now he still cares. Whether it was the way he stayed so close to me or just the soft, subtle rubbing of his foot on mine, I knew he cared.

In the morning, Carl rolled over, stretched his arm around my waist & squeezed. I knew then (if he hadn’t realized it by now) that I wanted him more than anyone I’ve known.

We must talk though. If we could just find the time. (Communication!!!) I hope he’s off tomorrow nite for the Oscars.

Which by the way, this is how I want them to turn out.

1. Best Supporting Actress

Mary Steenburgen - Melvin & Howard

(attach Oscar noms document)

March 30, 1981 Monday

Today could have been a good day, if it wasn’t for one major thing. Ronald Reagan was shot today in Washington. He is in excellent condition fortunately. But 3 other men were shot also. One is in good condition & the other two are seriously hurt. I pray everyone will recover with no difficulties.

Kevin Q & I went & got Mom’s picture (the one Kevin did) framed with a beautiful dark wood frame with glass. It looks wonderful. (still have it today - take pic & post here)

Gotta go!

I wonder how long it’ll be before Carl calls or shows up.

This Friday is a double feature And Justice for All & To Kill a Mockingbird. I want him to go with me.

March 31, 1981 Tuesday

Tonite was the Academy Awards. Everything went just like I wanted, except 9 to 5 didn’t get best song & The Elephant Man didn’t win anything. (FAME song won over 9 to 5)

I’m gonna have to see Raging Bull since Robert DeNiro got best actor. Tess won a lot of artsy awards.

I was so thrilled that Sissy Spacek got best actress. Quitman’s own Sissy. YEE HAH!

Gotta go!

I’m sleepy!!

Cam was in a wreck today. His car was totaled.

Poor thing!

I MISS CARL!