Fickle con-FUSING February Pt. 2

FEBRUARY 9, 1983

Today is Wednesday. It has been a strange week. (Of course, not to mention the weekend, and I plan not to mention it again.) I want to tell a little more about the 7th, Alyce’s last day at work. The actual day at work went just fine, and I enjoyed myself a lot, but the night became scary and upsetting.

-you need to read the attached typed journal page to read it ALL, or catch the highlights below

...Keith and I talked about Randall, then we went to a discussion about the loss of his father and of Alex.

We continued this topic for quite a while at his place. We both shared stories about both our losses, good and bad. Both he and I cried some…

Then our talk took a 90 degree angle and we began talking about our friends. (Or should I say our past friends.) The conversation mainly concerned Cam, Robert, Randy M, Thomas and Roger. What did we say? This is so confidential, but I found out last night what I have suspected for some time. They are positively homosexual. I think who hurts the most is Robert. I have had a thing for him for a long time. (Not now, of course, I like Randall, but at other points.) In fact, this Friday the 11th, it will be one year since our first kiss. Of course, I have liked every one of these guys strongly at one time or another (except Randy), and have kissed all of them. That’s kind of strange. I don’t know what to say or even to do. I feel like I’ve been betrayed in some way. Here I thought we were all good friends, and they couldn’t share this. I know it’s difficult. But they also led me on at times and made me feel like they cared for me (more than a friend), and they never did.

Keith did say that Roger told him that I scared Roger. After the Commerce trip in particular. Lord knows why? I’m not a vamp, or anything of the sort. Maybe, just maybe, he “was” becoming interested in me, and didn’t know how to cope with a relationship with a female. If he felt that way in October (Commerce), I just wonder how he felt around New Year’s when we actually kissed. I thought we were an item. (Silly me.) I probably had him petrified. I should have known better, because it’s not like I had never even heard that Roger was gay, but still, I thought just maybe he wasn’t. I was wrong.

As for Robert. God, not Robert. He’s so attractive, appealing, charismatic, adorable. Both DeeAnn and Sherri have had a thing for him also. Sherri as of right now. I told her all about this last night. She’s entitled to know, merely for the fact so she won’t go on lighting a torch for an impossible situation. She bawled, for the most part last night. She’s much more naive (really?) than myself, and had no earthly idea, and cannot deal with it. She feels her life has been wasted. I don’t. I still love these guys very much. I mainly feel it’s a dad gum shame. Many a girl have been and could be interested in these guys. But they obviously prefer men over women….. I know for a fact he had a thing for me too. (Robert?) Too many people told me, and he approached me a few times. Granted , I approached him the first time, but not the second, third and fourth time. Actually, all in all it was equal. Kim Heidloff told me once that Robert was flipped over me, and he got jealous a few times. What is that supposed to mean? He sure kisses well. For that fact, so does Roger, Thomas and yes even Cam. None of them make me feel like Randall does, though. Randall sends chills up and down my spine. Even though I was well flipped over these guys (Cam excluded), Randall really does do more for me. Maybe I know he’s all man. Maybe, on the inside, I always wondered about the guys. I know I did about Roger and Cam. I didn’t know for sure about Thomas until after our fling.

What’s the attraction? They’re all extremely talented (Mainly Roger, Thomas and Robert) bright, deep, and beyond everyday life. You know what just hit me? Each of these guys are at least one year younger than me (some two). I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but it just occurred to me. This is all I needed to add more to my list of worries on my mind.

I still haven’t said anything to DeeAnn about it yet. She will be the least shocked. Of course, she doesn’t know and love these people like Sherri and I do. (Well, she really likes Robert), but she doesn’t know Roger, doesn’t at all know Thomas, dislikes both Randy and Cam. (Of course, quite a few people dislike these two.) But when she first met Roger two years ago, she said he was gay. She has always wondered about Cam. She thought for a long time Robert was not, but just recently she thought maybe so. Anyway, the news will only be a justification of her own feelings. I never even thought about any of them being gay until Dee Ann said something a long time ago. Since then, I’ve had my wonders too. Oh well!!!!!!!! C’est la vie!”

DeeAnn & Brian had their first kiss on my front porch

Feb 11 - Tim Moorman (guy on bus) gave me Nothing for me...

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