FREEZE OUT FEBRUARY - "WE NEED A BREAK" - 1985

FEBRUARY 6, 1985

Wednesday

Wednesday when I last wrote, was the last time I have seen Barry. Before church, we talked and fought more about the day I was off (no marriage and his insecurities), and he said again (for the last time) “We ought to break up. I always hurt you and we fight because of it, so we should break up.” I said “Fine.” I picked up my coat and left with his mouth hanging open in surprise. That’s the last time I’ve seen him.

(2021 comment- around this time, I stayed at Mom and Dad’s for about 3-4 days, I think. I did a lot of crying.)

FEBRUARY 7, 1985

Thursday

Well, today Barry called me at work. It shocked me. I wasn’t expecting it at all. He said that one week was enough time for him to think. He said he’s tired of being punished. (I don’t think he knows exactly why I wanted the separation.) I wanted it so he could get himself together. Not because of breaking up the marriage talks, but he needs to take a stand and take up for himself. He needs to grow up. He doesn’t know what he wants out of life and I thought time away from each other would make him figure out what he wanted. I told him that I don’t think I am still his best friend and he needs to talk to me. I do need to talk to him also. I have always felt bad that we didn’t get to talk in person when I suggested we stay apart for a while. Since the weather was SO bad with ice and snow we couldn’t see each other. Now maybe we can get some things straight. But I can tell you one thing. I DO think we NEED (desperately) to date other people. I know I need to and I know he does. But he won’t, I know he won’t. He needs to do some comparison shopping with girls. But more importantly, he needs to figure out what he wants out of life. If he feels I am punishing him, he doesn’t understand the situation at all. He doesn’t understand what I’ve been trying to tell him.

FEBRUARY 8, 1985

Friday

You know, the more I think about it, the more I want to date again. I still want to see Barry and go out once in a while, but I do not want to date only him. There is a guy in exercise class that I could go out with if he asked me. Of course, all he’s seen of me is being sweaty, in a jogging suit working out. If he asks me out or not it really doesn’t matter, but the fact I even halfway want to - means something.

FEBRUARY 11, 1985

Monday

Well, Barry and I are not going to date anymore. I’m sure I’ll see him as a friend for quite awhile, in fact, I went by yesterday to see if he wanted to go to a movie and he wasn’t there. He wants that also. We’re bound too tightly to just drop everything. Who knows, now maybe one day if one of us gets another girlfriend or boyfriend, we’ll have to give each other up, but that will probably be for a while.

Life is funny. You never really know how things are going to turn out. I thought we were made for each other. Maybe we were as friends, maybe in that aspect, we’re untyable (I made up a word here, but think what else to use). Ha - But when it comes to serious love and marriage, there is no way we’ll make it.

You know, I would really like to go out again, but I’ve been out of the race for SO long, I just don’t know where to meet anybody. Oh well, maybe someone will just pop up like they have in the past.

I went over to Kathleen’s parents’ house last night for lasagne dinner, cake and ice cream for Kevin AND Kathleen’s birthday. They’re born exactly 15 minutes apart. Kevin, being the oldest. We had a really good time. I stayed over there really too late (about 11:30 p.m.) playing Trivial Pursuit. But we had fun. Kevin and I were partners.

FEBRUARY 13, 1985

Wednesday

Today, the actor who plays Coach on Cheers died. He was watching t.v. and had a heart attack. He’ll really be missed on that show. He’s just about my favorite character on the whole show. It’s such a shame talented people like that have to go.

Monday night, Keith Rice met me in front of Judge Bean’s for dinner. (My bus dropped me off there.) We had a great time. He was shocked to find out about Barry and me. That night I did really well and didn’t even grieve at all. Keith thought I was taking everything really well. Good ole’ strong me, I take everything in stride. I started while I was over there, but didn’t begin feeling bad until later when I got home. Keith and I had a long needed and good heart to heart.

Everything was fine until I got home and started feeling physically bad. Mom called me that night (she found out that Barry and I had called it quits from Mary; I had never had a chance to tell her) to ask how I was doing, emotionally. (2021 comment - OH guess I hadn’t hibernated at her house yet - sorry readers!) At that point, I had pretty much just come back from Keith’s and feeling well, emotionally. I did tell her what always brings tears to my eyes which is “I don’t think I’ll ever meet a sweeter human in my life.” I told Mom that I’m okay until I said that. Her reply was “It’s easy to be sweet when you’re not taking on any responsibility.” I agreed with her then but since have thought that he does have responsibility. He has as much responsibility as I do, I just may handle mine with more zest and energy than he does.

Anyway, I woke up Tuesday morning, feeling horrible (cramps and sore throat) and called in sick. I went back to sleep and again woke up at about 11:40 a.m. After breakfast, coffee, etc., I called Barry at 12:30 p.m. We talked until 3:00 p.m. It was a good talk and we really weren’t ready to get off then. I just figured we ought to. After the conversation, I still feel Barry thinks we’re getting back together one day. I thought I was certain about not dating again, ever. He did bring up something about us going to Scott’s nerd party. I told him I didn’t know. (To tell the truth, there might be some nice single guys there, I could meet and go out with.) To make a long story short, last night I cried and cried, and that’s when I realized I can’t go without seeing him forever. So we’re going to have to compromise and date some and others some. Maybe go out with him once a month and be free all the rest - or something similar.

Mom and Dad are not going to be home tonight, so I have nowhere to go before church. I used to always go to Barry’s for dinner and a visit before. Since our break-up, I’ve been going to Mom and Dad’s. (Since church is in Garland, I like spending the hour before in Garland.) - (2021 comment - OK! - Apparently, at this point I still am living with Kathleen at 9206 Cedarspur/Dallas!)

I am having a strong urge to go to Barry’s. I feel I really shouldn’t, yet that’s what I want to do. Should I go by my heart or brain? If Mom and Dad weren’t going out, I would have a solution. But I can’t use them for a scapegoat. Oh gosh! It’s hard being strong when it would be much easier to crumble and give in.

(2021 comment - As of this day I am typing - 6-19-21, I just saw Barry last nite for the first time since my wedding. His son, Tysen, was Luminere in Beauty & the Beast and I went with LaDonna. I thought it was appropriate to go with her since she was his first girlfriend and I was her second. She has kept up with him thru the years and went to their wedding. His wife, Diane, has multiple sclerosis and he’s a physical therapist and very good with her. She was very warm and friendly. His children were just precious! Pretty, talented, etc - oldest is Analiese - a Vet tech and getting married next year. Middle girls is Jaelyn and active in volleyball. Youngest is Tysen, the boy, and multi-talented singer and stage actor - only 14 yrs old. Just a BIG wow!) - I really wanted to just sit and talk with him… yep- as always, wistful gal here…