GOODNIGHT AND THANK YOU!! - MAY 1988 - PT. 1
- May 6, 2022
- 6 min read
FIRST OF MAY REFLECTIONS
I want to start May off with a new reflection of me... First of all, for the first time (maybe in my life) - Church means EVERYTHING to me! I 100% believe God has led me to where I am. Though I thought I'd be married by now - maybe even with a child or two - my walk and relationship with the Lord has grown SOOO far -esp since beginning of 1987.
People will get me or not - I am learning each and everyday. Though I want them to love me unconditionally and accept me and love me for who I am - not what they want me to be. I have a feeling this will be my cross in life. Trying to get people to understand and love me no matter what.
On the dating level, for whatever reason... God? my parents (esp. my Dad?) I have a strong conviction to save myself (or at least the Big ONE, if you know what I mean) for my husband. I am now 27 years old... All in all I do NOT regret waiting.. It's a part of my essence. The right person for me will "get that" about me and realize I am a strong person for it - not in spite of it. I just pray to be a better person each day, to love others like I would have them love me - no judgment... Accept me/I accept you!!
(2022 comment - this is ALL so true to me today - AGAPE love!)
MAY 11, 1988
Wednesday
(Much of this was in a letter to Ann)
I’m seriously looking for a new job, but am having trouble not only finding what I want, but just getting interviews. It’s the pits. I want someone to knock on my door and have the perfect position for me. I guess I told you there was a salary freeze at work. I am broke all the time. It’s pretty pathetic. I’m sick of it.
(2022 comment - I remember vividly going to Thanksgiving Square to the chapel (it looks like a Dairy Queen ice cream cone - ha) - and praying 2-3x a week that if it was in God's will, I would get a job.)
Well Randall and I are completely through. I woke up one morning and decided that. He’s too self-centered and never EVER does what “I” want to do. It’s always for him. Whatever it may be. He took me (after 3 months of prodding) to Caruso’s for my birthday (Jan. 28th.) Sounds nice, but he made me mad. Okay, in February he told me not only that he loved me, but he also said in reply to a question on Leap Day, “I wonder where we’ll be four years from now?” (my question.) He said “Oh, we’ll be in my house with Merlin, our cat.” Now how would you take that? Luckily, I’m not in love with him or this would all hurt pretty badly. Anyway, I found out through Sherri, my friend, that Barry (around that time) asked Randall how things were going between us. Randall said okay. When asked if he heard wedding bells or anything, Randall said “Probably, if I was in love with her.” (2022 - OUCH!)
Sherri and me at the cabin - And my precious Mom - around Easter 1988
(Goodnight and Thank You Whoever)
Like I said, it truly didn’t bother me because I’m not smitten with him, but still it irks me. Why can’t guys be up front and say what they mean? I don’t understand that. I try to be up front with everybody and they go and do something stupid like that.
(Sherri gave me her blessings to put this in)
ON top of it all, (in fact this makes me even MORE mad,) Barry (you know my first ex-almost fiance') called Sherri, whom he has been involved with way over a year, and said that he has no emotional feelings for her and never did. He called her on the phone and said that. What a jerk! Well, last Friday night, I had him over and laid it on him. Good. I told him to leave her alone and let her heal. After saying all this to her, he’s been calling her to see if she’s alright. What a chauvinist! Typical of men to think she’s not coping and still needs his help, instead of just leaving her alone. I was real proud of myself and he truly handled it well. I was very calm and mature about the whole thing and got my point across. He said he never loved her and was up front to her from the start that he cared for her mentally and wanted her physically and that’s it. (Can you believe that?) So I said:
“Am I mistaken, or did you once say ‘Sherri, you’d make a wonderful wife.’”
“Oops! I guess I did, but I meant it as a sweet compliment.”
“Barry, what you don’t realize is we girls (especially when in love) take everything y'all say to heart and hope and dream that maybe one day you’ll get married. So that came across like an almost proposal.”
“Gosh, I didn’t mean to do that.”
“Isn’t that like Randall when he said that one day we’d be in the same house?” My god! You guys are going to have to really think before you speak. It’s really leading us on.”
Anyway, the whole conversation was something like that. I also told him that even though I felt Randall was self-centered, etc., at least he didn’t make love to me when he WASN’T in love (referring to Barry.) He agreed and said it was wrong of him. He also said that sometimes he deserved a good spanking and I said “Well, this is it.”
It was a very good talk, and I was proud of myself. Sometimes people just need a good talking to. Don’t you think? I don’t ever want Sherri to know I did this. She might not understand. Not at this point anyway. She is really in love with him. Bless her heart!
Last night Sherri and I went to work out (I normally go with Randall) and no sooner had we walked in and back to the locker rooms, Randall walked out of the men’s locker room. He goosed me. How cute! I never really told him I didn’t want to see him, but last Thursday we were supposed to work out and I was going to tell him no more. I called him and he apparently had forgotten we were going to do anything. He said he’d call later and I said “whatever.” Saturday he called for a date THAT night and I was rather curt and said “Randall, I have plans already.” He said “Oh, I see. Well, I’ll keep in touch.” I again said “whatever.” Well, I guess that got the point across. Because he obviously didn’t even try to work out with me last night. Sherri and I were laughing though, because everywhere we went, there he was. The workout center, the sauna, the pools. It was kinda funny. You know, after five years, our going out yet going nowhere is ridiculous! It took a while to finally realize it , but it’s sunk in. I guess I thought if he was in love with me, I might as well stay around until something better comes along (that sounds awful, but in a way it’s very true.)
You know, if I don’t get married within the next couple of years, if Randall really loves me, I do find him attractive and we laugh a lot. Truthfully, I wouldn’t want that, but sometimes when you’re lonely… well, you know. But my waking up to reality was a great thing and finding out he wasn’t in love with me, really helped. Now I know what to do. No more wondering. End IT!
[
From Evita
Che:] Goodnight and thank you Whoever!
Oh but it's sad when a love affair dies But we have pretended enough It's best that we both stop fooling ourselves
Which means ...
[Che:] Goodnight and thank you Whoever
[Che:] Goodnight and thank you
Please sign the book on the way out the
And that will be all, if she needs you she'll call.
But I don't think that's likely somehow
[Eva:] Oh but it's sad when a love affair dies
But when we were hot, we were hot
I know you'll look back on the good times we've shared
JANIE will too! (ha - the real lyrics say "EVA will NOT!")
(2022 comment - Of course I have extremely FOND memories of anyone I dated.. Randall got me thru some of the worst times... Thank you Randall!! R! I adored u then and still do!!)
I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
** This has been in another entry**
(but part of the letter to Ann)
I’ve been doing a lot of running around with church people. Louis and a guy, Keith (whom you may have never heard of before) are great. Keith is around more than he used to be. He is neat and all, but not the same interests as me and Louis. Louis and I are cut from the same “interests” cloth.
(2022 comment - I used to say if you put Louis and my brains in the same jar, they would be compatible for life.. - u know what I mean.. ha)
One time in Louis’ apartment in Ft. Worth/Arlington? He, out of the blue, said “Have you ever thought about dating Keith Wallick?” I was disappointed and said “NO!” But the seed had been planted..
So No More Randall Rash?? - OR maybe not?
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