MEMORABLE MAY 1983

Apr 11, 2021
7 min read

Updated: Apr 12, 2021

MEMORABLE MAY

MAY 5, 1983

Thursday

Well, Mom and Dad made it home safe from New York; despite the fact they never called or let me know where they were. Tuesday night I got a call about 1:30 a.m. from a Sergeant Beckett saying that Dad’s office door was standing wide open. (Apparently, Barbara hadn’t closed the door properly that day.) I called Bryant and he didn’t know what to do. By the time we got ahold of Mike Burton (who came home from New York a day early), it was 3:00 a.m. Luckily, I didn’t have to go to work Wednesday because I had a dentist and doctor’s appt. But poor Bryant did. Sherri and DeeAnn were spending the night and I had the giggles, for some strange reason through the whole thing. Oh well, they had a good time and were safe and everything in their office is okay.

Earlier that same night, Sherri and I had DeeAnn and Keith over for dinner. Sherri cooked chicken and rice casserole, and I made a big, good salad. We had a really good time, and Keith stayed until 12:00 a.m.

Even earlier than dinner, Keith and I went to Minyards to buy some groceries for dinner. I had everything for the salad (Keith was holding it all), but we needed rolls. I asked a stock boy where the rolls were, and I heard a voice saying “Don’t tell her where the rolls are, not a girl like Janie Boren.” - and then the deep voice laughed. It sounded familiar. I walked around the corner and looked down the aisle (Keith was right behind me.) Lo and Behold - There “HE” was. God, it had been so long! I just screamed in an excited voice the name I knew so well. “RUSSELL!!! My gosh, I can’t believe it!” Sure enough, it was he. I quickly asked how he was and we chatted for a while. I introduced him to Keith (who was still holding all the salad making up to his chin.) I said “I heard you were married and had a kid.” He seemed surprised that I knew. In fact he said “How did you know that?” I said I still run around with DeeAnn and she found out. He said “Wow, word travels fast.” Why he thought I wouldn’t find out about a wife and baby of the man I’ve loved for nearly nine years (God! Nine years!) I don’t know. He seemed very up, and looked and sounded good. I asked him to show me a picture of his baby (James Russell). I’m sort of sorry he didn’t name him Russell Blaisdell IV. But he always hated the name Blaisdell. If I married him, I would have wanted him to be proud of his name. I think it’s nice. I swear, I did alright talking to him for a while, then my voice became shaky, my knees were wobbling and of course my hands were having seizures. After all this time, I still love him. (2021 comment - I have always viewed Russell as my FIRST true love… how I wanted to be treated, etc.) I kept a teddy bear he gave me “Rusty” til we had to throw it away when Emily was 5 or 6 due to lice. Ugh - yeah, I know… day cares! - another story - hha

DeeAnn and I stayed up and talked quite late talking. You know, I’ve always blamed myself for breaking up with him the first time. But as we were talking last night, I realized it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I just wasn’t ready to be serious over anyone, and quite immature. (After all, I was only a sophomore in high school.) I needed time to grow up. And when I did, it was too late. She agreed (she being DeeAnn) agreed wholeheartedly which helped me a lot. God, what would I do without my dearest friend.

You know, it was so much easier not ever seeing him, because I could always tell myself “Oh, Russell’s probably not even the same anymore, he’s probably changed, not the same person I fell in love with at all.” But seeing him Tuesday only told me just the opposite. He’s the same guy that I fell in love nine years ago, and still love with all my heart. Why can’t he be totally different; extremely ugly, no sense of humor, unsentimental, and mean? But I really don’t want that. If he had changed to resemble these traits, I would be so disappointed and disgusted that I could have ever loved a man of this caliber.

This way I at least know he was worth all these nine years of love, heartache, torment and deep admiration. God, if there could ever be someone I love as much as he, or that could love me the way he once did. (Now that I am ready for an enduring relationship.) Just let him be happy, and that wife of his better love him, respect him and constantly be supportive of his talents, and fine attributes.

I feel like screaming and letting it all out. But of course, that even if possible, wouldn’t help in the long run. I’ll still want him and love him with all my heart.

MAY 10, 1983

Tuesday

I had a nice weekend. Friday night I met Keith’s mom finally. (remember, this is Keith Rice) - She was precious. I was so scared to meet her, and she was harmless. I think she liked me too. In fact, when I left, she hugged me. We all had a very nice time.

MAY 12, 1983

Thursday

I just found out that Sherri got fired from her job at Dillard’s. I don’t know the details yet, but this is going to be really swift since we are getting an apartment. She will have to get a job awfully soon.

MAY 16, 1983

Monday

I had a relaxing weekend at the cabin. I swear all I did the whole weekend was play cards with Momma. It was nice, not really thinking about too much of anything. I need that every once in a while, especially since my mind is preoccupied these days.

Roger is home for the summer. Kevin told me last night. (Kevin, Sherri and I went to Rocco’s Pizza.) When Kevin said Roger was home for good, a chill ran up and down me. Lord, I don’t know why. I know he’s gay, but I still carry some sort of a torch for him. If we again run around together this summer as last summer, I’ll really be stuck again. Sherri is the same about Thomas. She know he’s gay, but can’t stop herself from being interested in him. The thing for us to do (Sherri needs more help at this than me), is to reconcile ourselves to know we’re always going to love these guys, and just go on as always. I plan to see Roger this weekend by myself and have a long talk with him. I’ll feel much better if things are out in the open. I imagine he will too. I haven’t heard from him since Spring Break and we got along pretty well then. On a couple of occasions, I had to hold myself back; but most of the time, I was exceptionally good.

Roger’s birthday is real soon (I don’t know exactly when, but before Memorial Day which is the 30th.) I would like to treat him to dinner and a movie. (Like I did with Doug.) That will be nice. But, I want for us to have talked by then. Both Kevin and Randy are going to Austin this weekend, so it would be a great time to talk with Roger.

Yesterday Mom shocked me by out of the blue asked “Were you ever in love?” It stunned me so. I said “Yes.” When she said “Who were in love with?” I hesitated and she decided to guess. Her first guess was surprisingly Carl. I, of course was crazy about Carl, but not in love. Then she said Tracy. I told her she was much closer but he wasn’t the main one. Of course, Diary, you know. I was really shocked to find out she had no hint it was Russell. She really couldn’t believe it. I find that rather amusing. How clever of me to keep it such a secret from her. Seven years and she didn’t know. After talking briefly, I felt blue and wanted the discussion to cease. But she kept on. I finally quit our game, and excused myself to take a nap. (This was yesterday.) I felt rather moody and quiet the rest of the day. After we got into Garland, I was much better and it did me good to go out with Sherri and Kevin.

...After all the crying, lamenting, anguish I went through for Russell, she my perceptive mom, never knew. Practically everybody I’ve become acquainted with, has known some time or another, about my love for Russell. Gosh, when he got married, I had to run away to Commerce to get away from it all: Which solved nothing. All I did was become extremely interested in another man whose love I could also never have… Roger. And look at the fix I’m in now? I just got extremely blushy today just talking about Roger. Both Terry and Eunice noticed it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0sxMMsDgtM

“Just You and I” is playing on the radio which was Randall’s and my song. Bless his heart. I have not one thing against him. He and I just weren’t made for each other. I dreamt about him quite a bit this weekend for some reason. Sometimes I wonder about my past boyfriends. If any of them came to me, told me that any problems in the past were mostly their fault, and they would give anything if we could try again, what would I do? Russell it would be pretty hard getting together with him since he’s married. I wonder if he left his wife… No. That’s not my style. Next in line would be Tracy. He’s quite different than me, and I feel I have probably grown beyond his ambitions, desires, etc. by now. Next would be Kevin Anderson. Definitely Not. Next would be Carl. I need time to think on this one. Maybe, just maybe. A lot of changes would have to be made. Because he did some things to really hurt me. He and Randall have the same problem. Not quite giving enough. I felt I gave to them much more than they gave to me. Maybe that sounds selfish or conceited, but if it is not true, I would like to know when they were extremely giving, past the first month or so of the relationship.

(2021 comment - SOOOOOOOOOOO many things could’ve been resolved with communication - uh - I had such a problem with that… only and i mean, ONLY in recent years, I’ve learned to speak my mind!)

MAY 17, 1983

Tuesday