NOVEMBER NITES FOR NIECES, NEPHEWS AND NONSENSE - 1985

NOVEMBER 4, 1985

Monday

I haven’t seen Arnold or talked to him since he’s been back in town. He came back from Florida last night after being gone since Thursday morning. I hadn’t seen him since Wednesday morning. For some crazy reason, I feel terribly insecure today. I don’t know, maybe it’s that “3 months syndrome.” Part of me wants to break it all off with Arnold; after all, he hasn’t admitted anything of devotion or love to me, his ex-fiance is getting a divorce and my mom and dad are not thrilled with him. Then, I turn around and catch myself smiling for no particular reason, everyone here says I’m in love and all my friends are crazy about him. (The only people that don’t particularly care for him is Mom and Dad, which is SO unusual, especially Mom.) I don’t know. I also am slightly interested in Steve in my voice class and other people.

To put it in analogy, I feel like I’m on the top of a roller coaster, teetering on the highest hill, waiting to know whether I’m going forward or backward. In order to go backward, I would call it off totally with Arnold for whatever reason being me wanting to date other people, to Mom and Dad not liking him to feeling insecure about his feelings for me. In order to lean forward and go down the hill, I need his total devotion and support. If I had that, I would go forward without looking back. Then, I feel I could handle anything. But, there are a lot of reasons to keep me teetering with no destination in mind. To tell you the truth, I wish I’d go one way or the other. I’m hoping to plan to have the whole evening to ourselves at his apartment. No movie, restaurant or anything. Just a night to delve into each other’s psyche and possibly melt into each other’s arms, for good. WE need some time to practice dancing and really, this will be the only night we can. If this all works out, this will be the only time since we dated that we can spend some time with each other all night and most of the next day…

Well, to quit talking about Arnold, I want to say I had Bryant III spend the night with me last Friday night. This was a delayed celebration of his fifth birthday. We sat up, rented a Muppets tape and made cinnamon rolls. He stayed up until about 10:15 or so, and the next morning after a good breakfast, we went shopping and he picked out the toy he wanted. He picked out a Stomper truck. IT was kind of expensive, but he’s worth it. I really enjoyed him.

Hell, I can’t help it! I’m thinking about Arnold so much I can’t fully tell about Bryant (and our nite). I wish he’d just come to my desk and say hello, or something. Forget it! I’m going back to work. That’s what I’m here for.

NOVEMBER 5, 1985

Tuesday

I talked to Arnold later yesterday at work (twice) and then last night after my voice class. As always, my worries were in vain. He sounded great when I talked to him and he mentioned having made reservations for me at the showcase for his dancing next Saturday evening. It will be a formal occasion. That ought to be fun. I’m wearing the dress I wore in DeeAnn’s wedding, black pumps, black purse and Mom’s black, beaver jacket. That ought to look sharp. Arnold will be in tux and tails.

This Friday night we should have some time to ourselves, practice dancing and just visit …

Today is Carl Scaglione’s birthday. I still remember such things….

NOVEMBER 6, 1985

Wednesday

Weird, weird, day. I came to work this morning feeling and looking great. I’m wearing a tweed suit with a soft, feminine blouse. I felt quite confident and called Arnold to go to lunch.

An interesting lunch. Very unexpected. Well, to start out with we were very uncomfortable. After we got to the chinese restaurant, he told me how uncomfortable he was. I felt the same way. It took a while of general nonsense talk for him to say that he had such a good weekend this past weekend (in Florida) that he forgot everything that was bothering him. He then said (a little too brutally honest) that he didn’t think about me one time the whole weekend; four days. I felt myself tear up. Sometimes he is too brutally honest. I’m jut not that way. I think I for the most part, I am a kind person. I would rather be hurt than to hurt; and believe you me, I’ve been hurt. After being quiet for a short time, I said “that’s strange because I was thinking through this weekend (especially Sunday and Monday) that we ought to date other people. This was back earlier this week when I was calling it my “3 month syndrome.” Arnold said he really didn’t want to date OTHER people, he just needed some time to be alone, to be selfish as he put it. I really can understand that, because that’s what I have wanted since Barry and I broke up. When Arnold and I first went out to lunch on August 12, I said “I just wanna have some fun.” I guess I should have stuck by that plan. It would have been wiser, but maybe not as enjoyable. Also something I’m going to do for now on… Don’t introduce the guy to my parents until we’ve been dating strongly for about three months with no problems; and to make sure both parties are ready for it. Because I know Arnold was not ready to meet my parents and I guess that’s why it was such a disaster. Arnold felt that he was under a microscope and Mom and Dad thought he was rude (or at least Mom). That’s real hard for me to handle; I respect Mom and Dad so much.

You know, speaking of Dad, sometimes I wonder if I love him too much. I can’t help but compare men to Dad. In my eyes, he’s almost perfect. Sure, he makes mistakes, he exaggerates too much and tends to be bull headed about things. But for the most part, he’s a practically perfect husband and father. Of course, Dad is really better today than he was even 20 years ago. He is much more broad minded. So I guess that means that any young man I meet will improve with age. Hopefully.

NOVEMBER 7, 1985

Thursday

You know, for some crazy reason, I am in an excellent mood this morning. This makes me laugh a bit because I can’t really figure out why. I was in a better mood in Church Choir last night than I have been in ages. I was just bubbling over and found myself volunteering for the nominating committee. I tried to analyze it all night but came up with nothing. I guess it’s time to quit analyzing. I do believe, though, Arnold and I are going to get together Friday night for a rap session, to lay the cards on the table. It’s SO strange.

I feel more complete than I have since I was going out with Randall and Arnold and I first started my voice class. That’s proof that I need diversity. I think Arnold has it right. He said he needed time to just be selfish and do what he wants to do; I think I’m in need of the same thing.

(All I Need by Jack Wagner)

LouAnn thinks that maybe Arnold’s and my relationship was just physical. I never like to think that. But that may be partially true. You know I think if I found someone right between Arnold and Barry, he’d be perfect for me. Or awfully special. Barry’s not enough of a man and Arnold is not enough of a boy. Even though he’s awfully fun at times. Maybe it’s not that he’s not enough boy but he’s just plain not kind enough. His bluntness is plain rude at times. But, he’s patient, even tempered and very stable. Barry’s best qualities are being open (though at times he’s too open) and gentleness and he worshipped me.

I just talked to Barry on the phone. He sounded great. He’s quit the counseling. He’s had a couple of dates and has one for this Saturday night. That’s good. This may sound selfish, egotistical or whatever word I may be looking for, but I kind of wish he’d still be pining for me. It’s hard to tell on the phone. We’re probably going to get together within the next week or so. To visit. On the most part, I know we’re not right for each other, but I wouldn’t mind going places with him now and then. He didn’t even know that Randall and I weren’t seeing each other anymore. That seems strange. He said Randall is still seeing Rosebud every once in a while. I remember him telling me (Randall) that he thought Mary Beth (Rosebud) was obnoxious. Apparently not too much.

NOVEMBER 8, 1985

Friday

I woke up this morning to an unusual dream. In the dream, I was kissing an oriental guy on a couch and we were talking about The Killing Fields. I woke up (apparently still very groggy) wondering why in the world I would have a dream about an oriental guy because I’ve never really even talked to any MAN oriental and certainly not attracted to one. It took me from the bedroom to the bathroom, and actually going to the bathroom before I realized, Of Course… Janet is Oriental (Arnold’s ex-fiance.) It was almost funny to me. First of all, that I would have a dream where I was interested in an Oriental man (the guy in the dream was very attractive though) and especially since he was a relative of Janet. Arnold was not even relevant in the dream; nor Janet. I guess I just wanted to see what it was like to be with an oriental person. I tell you, I am always having dreams that are related to my life. Constantly.

Oh, I meant to mention that out of the blue Wednesday night (the same night that Arnold and I had gone to lunch,) Mom and Dad mentioned to me meeting this guy that they know. As if they knew that Arnold and I were not going to be dating at least quite as much, or in the same way. I never mentioned anything to them about our lunch. I just acted pretty interested in their fix-up; especially when they mentioned how nice this guy was, and handsome. Hey! I’m keeping my options open.