OVERJOYED AND OVER-EMOTIONAL IN OCTOBER - 1986 - Part 1

OCTOBER 2, 1986

Thursday

https://youtu.be/_a1LogyX9Uw

Overjoyed video - Stevie Wonder 1983 - but it seemed to play a LOT when we were dating

Well, John got home safely last night. His mom and I were there to pick him up when the plane arrived at 9:10 p.m.

But the neatest part of last night, believe it or not, was not John arriving, but the visit between Jeannie and me. We visited at their house from about 6:45 to 8:30 p.m. and then of course on the way to the airport and once we got there. We talked about everything from death (their neighbor's son) and how to handle the grief. Jeannie said there couldn’t be anything worse than losing a child. She said Peter, her neighbor, has been drinking ever since their middle son died. She was telling me of all the circumstances where the family has fallen apart when something like that happened. It was then that I found it opportune to tell her about Alex and how we handled everything. I told her how our family has actually been closer since his death (and we were always close) and I also shared to her about his poetry and writing and through his artistry, we KNEW that he had extreme love for his family. Whatever problems Alex had, was not with his family or anyone else for that matter, it was himself. She seemed really surprised that I had a brother who committed suicide. She really didn’t ask too many questions, I just told her what was relevant to our conversation. Jeannie told me she never knew what to do in situations (such as her neighbors) as what to say, etc. She said the only thing she did was take some food over and then offered her help, if needed. I said that’s all she could do. I then said the worst thing is to ignore the situation. I told her that the people that helped the most were the ones who just said “I’m sorry and we love you.” Like I said, it was really a great conversation. Everytime I’m with Jeannie, I feel closer to her.

(2021 comment - barely if not at all remember these talks… These are the types of conversations that make me remember how quickly I grew up at 19 yrs. Of age. Learned early on, Unconditional love is what it’s all about.)

We then started talking about Kevin (his brother) and the big difference between he and John. There’s about as big a difference between them as there was between Alex and Bryant; which between you and me, is scary. John (like his father and Bryant) always has known what he wanted and he’s about to get it and is extremely confident at whatever happens; because he feels he’s extremely sharp. Kevin, on the other hand (like Alex) is a dreamer, possibly more artistic and quite a bit insecure. He has no direction and is already having trouble in his first semester at A&M. He says it’s a cultural desert. (2021 comment - Andrew didn’t like it either - he was there for his Masters degree in Urban Planning.) He is not as mathematical a person as John and has no gopals. Both Bob (father) and John feel life’s not that difficult because decisions have been easy for them. I, personally, see both sides extremely easily. On one hand, life has been fun and easy to me because I’ve enjoyed it. Then, to some people, the fact I didn’t go to college and get a degree, some people may think I’m wasting my life (Dad’s relatives, in particular.) But after growing up, I finally realized “to hell with them.” If I’m happy, that’s what matters. Luckily, I do have a strong sense of self-worth and like myself very much. Someone like Kevin is a little unsure (though he puts up a good front.) The sooner he says “to hell with everyone else, I’m going to do what I want to do,) the better. Also that’ll win him some respect because that attitude will make him go after what he wants, and do it well. Oh as you can tell, I feel for him. All I pray for is that no matter what Kevin decides, everyone supports him, but it just may not happen. Jeannie agrees with me, though there’s not much she can say with Bob and John around. Bless John’s heart, it’s not his fault. To quote him his attitude is “I’m crazy about the arts and find an incredible amount of enjoyment from them, but it’s no career. You can’t make money at it, or very few do.” Of course, Kevin says “Money isn’t everything.” Which is true. John says Kevin says that but at the same time, wants money all the time. (2021 - oooo that sounds like Barry.) I told John last night that what matters is happiness.. If it’s a successful, and money-making career that makes John happy, then by all means, he needs to go for it. Yet if a singing career or journalism, or whatever, makes Kevin happy, then he needs to go for it. But BOTH need to be prepared for failure, just in case. And I’ll admit in these fields, there’s more of a chance for Kevin to fail in the arts than John in business. Oh, I feel for Kevin. Like I said, though, I understand (as usual) all sides. It’s really hard for the people who have a strong sense of motivation and self-will to understand people who can’t seem to even get a direction. One thing for sure… it takes patience.

(2021 comment - Man, I still feel for all sides here - always for the underdog, of sorts, like Momma. If you’re insecure, shy, awkward, on the spectrum, whatever - I will be your advocate.)

OCTOBER 3, 1986

Friday

OUR STATE FAIR IS A GREAT STATE FAIR. DON’T MISS IT, DON’T EVEN BE LATE! DOLLARS TO DONUTS AT OUR STATE FAIR, IT’S THE BEST STATE FAIR IN OUR STATE!

I’m going today at noon! John’s coming to pick me up and we’re going straight for the fair. Fun! Fun! Fun! I love the fair. As far as I know, I have never missed the fair in 25 years!

Last year, I went with Arnold, the two years before with Barry and whoever before that. But this year… (drum roll please!)... I’m going with my true love, John Arthur Knight. Sometimes I feel like saying for the moment, but this one’s for keeps. I’m pretty sure. We’ve already had fun the past two nights, even though he hasn’t been at my place until 10:00 p.m. or so. But from this day until Sunday night, we should be with each other every waking moment. I do love him!

(2021 comment - OH man - another time I did not write about! I do remember having a great time, getting along great. There was some kind of Marine Band marching and playing in the cleared area where bleachers were and many shows happened there. (Close to DAR and the new Women’s Bldg.)

Also after reading the entry below, John and I would go to Magic Time Machine for dancing because it was free in the upper level dance place (MTM) - they always played great music also!

October 6, 1986

Monday

Dear John:

This is a “Dear John” letter.. AR AR AR! (that’s your middle name.) Of course, I’m just teasing. I LOVE YOU! I don’t understand me yesterday (the crying jag) but I’m sure you understand it less. One thing I know for sure. It was physical. And when I’m about to start, I might whimper about some crazy reason that it might be, but when it all boils down, it’s a chemical imbalance. At least I’m not one of those who gets temperamental and irate. I just cry. So, you see, it could be worse.

I did have fun, though, last night and felt a lot better after my nap. I’m totally exhausted today though. As much fun as I have when you come home, it’s physically draining. The late hours, etc.

I was trying to think of a time you could come up for a sneak weekend, but in all practicality it would have to be after my recital, which is November 8th because I have practice all day practically on Sundays. I wish you would have given me your feedback on my statement at MTM about continuing with the sneak weekends. You wanted to know how I arrived at that decision, but ceased to tell me how YOU felt. I wish you’d tell me more how you feel about things. TALK TO ME!

I was just thinking. With Nick coming down for Thanksgiving, I can’t think of how we’re going to have time alone. You could always come down a bit before Thanksgiving to make up for our lost time during the holidays. I’m talking about serious romping. This weekend was really good in that respect, I just miss holding each other afterwards. Last night was the best. (Well, the first time is always great.)

I’ve felt all day like I have the cramps and I don’t. Bizarre!

Tuesday

I didn’t go to Voice Class last night, because I was afraid if anybody said anything to me that wasn’t fantastic, I’d cry. I’ve been truly thinking. I’m SO sorry for not trusting you about loving me (“It’s only a Matter of Trust.”) How, after all our wonderful nights together and especially slow dancing Saturday night, could I ever feel that you don’t love me? That’s why I say it was physical, much more than emotional. I just try to lay a reason down for me crying, and 9 times out of ten there’s no real reason. Believe me, you show your love to me all the time… most of the time. I love you and you love me, and that’s what matters.

Wednesday

I NEED YOU! Well baby.. I've decided something is really wrong. Yesterday afternoon, Bryant called just to say that he missed me Saturday and wished we could have gone to the fair. If I had known at an earlier date that Bryant and Barb were going, we would have gone, but it was too late by the time we found out. Anyway, I started acting a little defensive and explaining all the reasons why we didn’t go and Bryant said “Whoa, I’m not chastising you, I just wanted to tell you that we missed you. We had the best time probably ever.” Well, by the time we got off the phone, I went back to my desk and started getting teary-eyed. It was about 3:30 p.m. and I decided to call Judy (my free psychologist) and talk to her and let her know that either I wasn’t going to voice lessons that night or, I can’t guarantee that I’ll be in good shape. Well, we talked for a little while and she told me that she felt (and has always felt) that I didn’t ever really work through the two deaths that happened in a row back in February; my grandmother and cousin. Even though I wasn’t close to my grandmother, sometimes I feel resentment towards her because she wasn’t a better person. (These are my words.)

My cousin Bill, on the other hand, was Bryant’s age, one of his best friends and died of drugs and complications. Though I loved him; he was incredibly talented, I sometimes (and am only now admitting it) blame him for Alex’s death. The night before Alex died, Bill called and wanted to come over. Alex said yes. Then he told me that when Bill got there, he didn’t want to see him. In fact, he wanted me to call him back and say don’t come over. I told Alex to forget it. I said it was time for him to stand on his own two feet and call Bill himself (and here Alex was three years, nearly four years older than me.) In fact, I told him to call Bill then go with Scott, Sherri and I to see Gallagher free at Sound Warehouse. He wouldn’t do it. He was somehow afraid to call Bill. Bill was really very gentle, Alex had no reason to be afraid, unless drugs made Bill different. They change, you know. A very caring, gentle person can become selfish and harsh. That’s why I don’t think Alex was ever on anything too serious but marijuana, well until the night before he died. I should be telling you all this in person, but sometimes, John, you act like you don’t want to hear anything bad, but the world is not all fun and games. It’s occasionally being in bad moods and crying. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just another emotion like laughing and loving. I’m a very diverse person with all emotions. It doesn’t make me necessarily moody, it makes me human. I KNOW for a fact, that part of you is saying “Oh, too much is going on, I don’t want to read this letter right now.” But DO read it. Sunday when I started crying, we should have gone to my apartment or something. I wasn’t ready to go home. I told Bryant that we had fun this past weekend, but really didn’t have much time for just the two of us. To just talk. He said “Oh Janie, that’s bad. You HAVE to keep up that communication.” Babe, we have to. I needed it so much this weekend. By crying I was trying to tell you that. But I couldn’t seem to get that point across, and then you think I’m an emotional flake. I’m not. I love you and need you. I want you to be the first person I talk to, not the last. If only you could have just hugged me the other day. When I asked you if you loved me (I knew ou did, but I was testing, I guess) I wish you, instead of just saying yes, had totally reassured me, maybe even pulled over and given me the strongest, biggest hug ever. Judy did that for me last night and all the emotions that were built up inside me poured out. Now today, I can see what’s wrong and now deal with the problems.

https://youtu.be/-myPE8NGgKw

I'm Only Human

You know, trying not to harp on this subject, because you tried not to tell me, I may not know much about Geography (and will be the first admit it,) I AM no nitwit. I’m a very deep, intuitive, understanding person with great sensitivity and compassion. These are my best qualities. Not to mention I am fun-loving. And as Kevin (bro) put it, I brighten the room everytime I walk in. That was a great compliment and I love him enormously for that.

(2021 - it may show up, but Kevin and I hung out a few times w/o John. I had a friend/co-worker, Lynette who he kinda liked,? Set-up? Or we just had fun all together, but at least 2x, maybe more - think he “got me” maybe more than JOhn?)

You know, I am feeling a whole lot better writing all this down. I just need to keep all this in perspective. Outside of meeting you and the $6,000 (which I should have gotten earlier,) this has just been a shitty (and I’m not sorry because I have a right to say it) year! One thing after another.

January - Eight days of being very sick with ear, throat and nose problems

28th - My 25th birthday (not wanting to be 25) the space shuttle blew up. (2021 comment - OKAY - I remember being good friends with Louis Marroquin at this time, coz when I turned 25, we went running around and I remember crying in his car because I thought I’d be married or at least engaged/in a relationship by then… sorry I didn’t write more about my singles group!)

February - My grandmother died and 3 weeks later, my cousin Bill died.

March - My cousin LeeAnn, got married, I caught the bouquet and was treated horribly at her reception by older and not so wise relatives.

Started having trouble at work and looking for new job. Very discouraged with co-workers. I DID meet you and that was glorious. Sublime for a couple of months.

May - Mary and John split up for good. She’s filing for divorce.

July or so - Fed up with co-workers. Went on a couple of bad interviews.

August - Turned down for a job within the dept. That I was pretty sure I’d get. But same day, I got $6,000 and never felt pain from that.

Now - We just saw each other, and no communication.

And of course, through all of it, we’re seeing each other, and we’re not. Roller coaster ride. (2021 comment - hmmmm.. Typing all this up - seeing the writing on the wall.)

One thing I noticed through logging all this. I never really deal with anything I blow it off. Something good happens and the bad is forgotten. That’s good on one hand, and on the other, it’s covering the wolf with sheep’s clothing.

I DO love you, I know that. Just share with ME and understand. Don’t always blame it on the month because it can be something more.

I want to mail this soon so I’m stopping.

I love you, baby!

Janie

P.S. Please write (that would be great,) make a tape or call with definite feedback.

(2021 comment - I’ve always had a good gut - I knew sompin was up - or not)

OCTOBER 9, 1986

Thursday

Today is Bryant III’s 6th birthday. I can’t believe he’s already 6.

Believe you me, I feel better today than I have in a while. As you can tell by this last letter to John, a lot of deep, emotional subjects have been on my mind. After Judy’s and my talk on Tuesday evening during my voice lesson, I realized I needed to talk with Mom and Dad. They are the only people in this world that have gone through everything I have, including Mary and Bryant’s divorces. Even Mary and Bryant wouldn’t be in our same shoes because they are the ones going through it, not outsiders looking in. They at least know why they’re getting divorced. Mom, Dad and I don’t know exactly, especially Bryant Jr. Though a lot of this has happened a while ago, it took until now to realize that I haven’t truly dealt with it as of yet.

By going over to Mom and Dad’s and first telling of Jeannie and my conversation last Thursday night concerning death (people she knew and then Alex) the next thing I knew I was bawling uncontrollably. I (in six years) have never admitted that I’m mad at Alex, Bill and even Nana (to some extent) for dying. In Bill and Alex’s case, it’s such a damn waste. Anyway, you can figure out how the conversation went from then on. It was great. I managed to tell how I have kept some things bottled in and though I’ve talked about Alex’s death to people with a completely dry eye, I needed to cry outside of the beginning. I did that right at first (the day Alex died) with DeeAnn and Russell, but once I got back to my own house, I dried up. I felt I shouldn’t be weak in front of Mom and Dad. It was great to finally release all that in front of them once and for all. Well, maybe not for all, but for the first time. They told me that they have always felt that I was the strongest through it all. But now, I don’t feel that burden anymore. I don’t HAVE to be the strongest. I can let my hair down. I probably always could, but just now feel comfortable doing that. What a relief!

Poor John, I sorta took a lot out of him this past weekend because all this stuff was bottled up in me and I didn’t know it. I learned one thing about us through this, though. We have always talked well together, except this time. We have got to keep up the communication. For now on, when he comes, we’re going to quit all this planning. We need to play it by ear. Too many plans can kill you. I was tense the whole time. We need at least one night for just doing nothing. I don’t know what we’re going to do the next time he comes down because Nick is coming with him and I don’t see how we’re going to get any time to ourselves. We may have to arrange to see each other beforehand whether it's a sneak weekend or not, though I had said I won’t do that anymore. Oh well. We’ll see.

OCTOBER 10, 1986

Friday

Well, I talked to John just a little bit last night because he had an important project to work on. But I did have a chance to tell him that I was really upset this week (and before) and how I felt it was incredibly important for us to talk more when he’s here. He agreed. I told him how I had cried a lot since he left but not necessarily because of that reason. I shared my feelings about Alex and Bill, etc. Then I said how important it was for us to be able to talk about important matters such as this. It’s deeply needed and mandatory in a relationship. He again agreed. Not much more was said.

He then told me that Kevin (his brother) dropped out of A&M. Bob, his father, is in the Orient and doesn’t know yet. Hell will break loose when found out. I truly feel for Kevin. At the same time, I can understand the parents because tuition and all has already been paid. I’m tempted to call Kevin to see how he’s doing.