TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE - JANUARY 1987 - Part 1 (Original)

JANUARY 6, 1987

Tuesday

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

Well, this is the start of a new year. HAPPY NEW YEAR - #THEbestisyettocome

I have so many New Year’s Resolutions, it’s unbelievable. But the most important one is to attend church more regularly (go 4 out of 4 times instead of 3 out of 4.) Also, whatever I start, no matter what it is, finish it. Even if I just get one thing accomplished, do it and do it well. This is a problem I’ve had since schooldays.

Believe it or not, I quit voice class and lessons. I need time for me and see no reason in spending the money when I never practice. I’m just not motivated right now. But let me tell you, I went and talked to Judy Ritchie (my ex voice teacher) last night for about three hours and man, you’d think she was a professional psychologist. She pulled things out of me that I thought were long gone. We talked about things that I couldn’t imagine myself talking with Mom, Mary or even DeeAnn about. Well, I’ve changed direction. She made me realize what has been deep inside all along. “To thine Own Self Be True.” I’m going to go back to doing some work with the handicapped and/or retarded. Maybe just a Saturday and/or weeknights at first, volunteer work, etc. But sooner or later, I will find a job in it. My goal is to have my own daycare. Judy really got me excited about the whole thing. (2021 comment - well guess what I’ve done the past 24--25 yrs? - hmmmm)

JANUARY 7, 1987

Wednesday

Dad’s surprise party went over pretty well last night. Some things messed up a little, but he never knew the difference so it was fine. He turned 60 on the 4th. Mary turned 34 yesterday. Tomorrow is Robert Bevis’ birthday. Gosh! A lot at this time of year.

I came home from the party and there was a message from Kevin Knight. I was hoping he wouldn’t call anymore. I don’t know what to do. It hurts to remain in contact with him. I’ll never completely get over John until I break all ties. I knew that after hearing John’s voice the other night (while talking to Kevin) and crying for hours afterwards. No use at all.

JANUARY 9, 1987

Friday

Yesterday I missed work because I had cramps. By the afternoon, I started feeling better and decided to make a few calls. I called Carolyn Barnes who used to be Vice President of the G.A.R.C. (Garland Association of Retarded Citizens) Board. We talked for 1.5 hours. Excellent conversation. She told me that there hasn’t been a worthwhile worker up there since I left, and Greg. Greg is Carolyn’s stepson (he’s my ex-boss at G.A.R.C.) She said she had always wanted Greg and I to date and finally marry or something. That’s always nice to hear. Greg and I went places together, but it never was more than friends. Carolyn said also she still sees my number and name every once in a while in her phone book and thinks of me. You know, that kind of stuff can make you feel wonderful. And especially when for a long time, you’ve been really down. Just thinking about working again with the handicapped/retarded, makes me feel alive again. For the first time in five years, I don’t feel like I HAVE to be dating someone.

It also gives me courage and makes me realize I have no problems with seeing Kevin Knight. I was talking to Bea the other night and talking about John and laughing. That’s great! I can laugh and look good-heartedly on things we used to do. I need to tell Kevin that I shouldn’t have told him so much stuff about John and me. That wasn’t for anyone else’s ears but our own. It was a mistake and I need to be courageous and tell him. He’s called twice in the past week or so, but I haven’t been home either time. I still don’t want to call him. Let him call me. I may not ever want to call at his house for fear of his parents answering. It’s funny how it took until after our break-up to realize that I really didn’t like his parents much. If they had both been born in Texas they probably would be so different. First of all, they wouldn’t have those irritating voices. Janie, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

Tonight I’m going to spend this night with Mary and babysit in the morning. Mary says she’ll finish working by noon. She better because I’m going with Dad around noon to Levitz and look for a new chair and coffee table. Well, Mary and I have a lot to talk about. We haven’t talked since before her trip to Colorado. I have a feeling her mind has changed since the trip. She went and visited a good friend of hers, Kay. I haven’t told her about all my plans yet. I think she’s also thinking about quitting her job at Eastfield College. She says it’s too much work and not enough money. Mary told me on the phone today she needs a job like mine and then I said “Well, we need to talk.”

You know, Bea asked me about dating, how I felt. I told her I liked going out with guys and stuff, but enjoyed just being platonic. Her brother, Louis and I have been going a few places. He’s great fun and active in church. But I feel we’re just friends. That's fine. That’s all I want right now. I need to be completely content with myself before I drag anyone else in. Just like I told John in the letter I sent him. “Get it together before you involve anyone else.”

JANUARY 12, 1987

Monday

I had a pretty good weekend. Pretty fun.

FRIDAY - I spent the night with Mary. It has been a while since we’ve really gotten together and talked and it was needed. Of course, we can’t do much until the kids go to bed. Caroline (like usual lately) was precious. She’s really a funny kid. She knows how to make us laugh. She also loves me and says she loves me a lot. And do I love that, or what? Holly was quite bratty up until about 20 minutes before she went to bed. Then she made a complete turnaround. Weird! After they went to bed, we talked for about an hour, then put on Viewer’s Choice and watched About Last Night. This is a movie John kept wanting to see this Summer, and I nixed it because I thought it was going to be completely smutty. Well, Jim Belushi was rather crude, but funny. But the love story between Demi Moore and Rob Lowe was great. I cried, practically through the whole thing. I related a lot of it to John and me. (**SPOILER**) The way they broke up; out of the blue he just told her that he didn’t love her anymore. He didn’t know what to do and had so many things on his mind that he seemed to not be able to talk to her about, so he abruptly broke off the relationship by saying he just didn’t love her anymore. Bless her heart, this was right after she told someone else that she wanted to have ten babies with him. Even though they had just had a fight,

she still felt that way. I cried and cried. Mary didn’t even drop a tear. Kinda funny. We’re different in so many ways. I guess it’s because I identified with her so much. The only difference is they were living together. But what if I had moved to New York? We thought seriously about it, you know. God! Even though we were both against people living together, we would have, you know. I mean think about it. I would have an apartment or something and he, of course, would have to spend a few nights at the academy; but with it being his senior year, he would get leave quite a bit. I told him that once. “What’s the difference between living together and staying over all the time?” He just shrugged and said “Somehow there’s a difference.” Never much of an answer. Oh John! What if you had been older? You certainly would have been more mature and settled. Settled is the key word. I admit it, I still think about him (as you can tell) an awful lot. That movie didn’t help. The only difference is… they got back together at the end. He came back to her after only two weeks and begged her back, she refused, then later, they ran into each other and were very friendly and he asked her out and she said “yeah, my roommate will be out of town and we can do chinese or something.” Then she said “I can’t believe we’re doing this, I just can’t believe it.” (She was on a bike) “I’m now going to ride off into the sunset.” she said jokingly. “I’ll watch you.” he replied. “I thought you might.” and she rides off. He’s at baseball practice and Jim B. tells him to forget about practice (after she rode off) and go after her. He did and that’s how it ended. I loved it. I cried and cried. I even cried quite a bit after it was over and when I went to bed. In fact, I got a little bit depressed. But by the time I woke up Saturday morning, I was fine.

SATURDAY - I woke up, had coffee and cereal, stayed for a while then went to Mom and Dad’s. We went furniture hunting. They needed a new couch and love seat for the den and

I wanted a new coffee table and chair. I bought a lovely Queen Anne coffee table and Queen Anne chair. (2021 comment - I STILL have that chair down at the cabin - still looks great!) Both are wonderful. I nearly screamed when I saw the chair. It’s exactly the type I wanted. Seafoam green backing and sides with cream colored front covered with faint seafoam and sandalwood print. Perfect match to my oriental rug. Mom and Dad didn’t find anything until Sunday.

Mom and Dad came over and helped me put up the coffee table (the chair will be delivered Friday.) They were still over (Mom played the piano and dusted things for me; they’re so wonderful) when Sherri and Barry called wanting to come over. They waited a little while and came over about 7:30. Mom and Dad were still there but left shortly after. My whole apartment looks totally different just with the new coffee table. I can’t imagine what it will look like with the chair.

Barry got a little aggravated because when I mentioned something about our ski trip (Randall, Barry, Sherri & me had been planning a ski trip) he said he didn’t know whether he wanted to go or not. We’ve been talking about this for a while now. I have to admit I didn’t suppress my anger. That’s just like him. He said he’s let us know all the time, but that’s not true. I thought it was pretty well settled. Just needed to make the necessary plans. Finally, I had to bite my tongue because he was getting his feathers ruffled. (Sometimes the way we fight is similar to Cam and me.) He's never called me ugly names or anything, but we tend to get on each other’s nerves. Oh well! We got over it. I told Sherri (who had a disgruntled face the whole time, but kept her mouth smartly shut) that I will take that week off and no matter what, we’ll go or do something. I had even mentioned before that if we couldn’t make the price of a ski trip, we’d go camping or something, and everyone agreed. Oh well!! If I could just videotape everything, we’d have evidence. That wouldn’t change his mind, though.

Kevin q came over a little later and by that time, we were all laughing and playing Password. We all ended up in a deep conversation about religion, etc.; how it affects fun times, our feeling about homosexuality and a lot of other things. It was a neat conversation that doesn’t happen too often with this group. Not AS a group. We were talking while a fire was going. It was nice. I kinda wish Randall was there. I haven’t heard from him since January 2 when we saw Star Trek IV.

SUNDAY - I went to Sunday School and Church and as always, enjoyed them, especially sunday school. It became rather controversial; I love that! After church, I suggested to Louis that we go out to lunch again real soon and he said sure. After I got home, I went to my mailbox and retrieved the mail. I hadn’t picked it up in almost two weeks. (I need to get in a better habit of walking over and retrieving it, otherwise I would get “Dear Jane” letters when I’m supposed to, not too late.) Anyway, among other junk and new checks, there was a card in there from Louis dated January 5. It was precious. It said something like:

DID WE HAVE A GOOD TIME, OR WHAT?

Question: If you had a great time with five people on New Year’s Eve, would you send them a Thank You note?

Answer: It Depends!

What???

I had a great time and thank you so much for including me in the plans.

(this was the Scarlett O’Hara card - luckily, I wrote about it coz I didn't keep that one)